Never gonna be

Paranoid. I am one very paranoid person.

Whenever people are whispering or laughing, I will automatically think that they are gossiping about me. If there is somebody looking at me, I will always be the one to lower my head first or look away. I cannot bear looking into their eyes because I am afraid that I will find something inside telling me that I am not welcome, that I am just somebody extra, and that I am someone that they only pretend to be friendly with. I can't help it.

Sometimes when I feel like I am an extra, I will just try to convince myself that I am being paranoid again, that I am just letting my imagination run wild. However this is not always the case. I really feel left out sometimes and however much I wish to join in their conversations, I just can't. There's nothing for me to say at all.

Voicing out when I feel unhappy or upset about something, always leads to arguements and more fights. It leaves me even more unhappy/upset after that.

I always try to be nonchalant about it, or I act like I don't care, but I actually do sometimes, even though I said the opposite. Pangs of jealousy hit me whenever they do things like that, and I wonder why I cannot have the same chemistry with people like they do. I cannot help it, it just hit me like that and even though I know that I shouldn't be feeling that way, I just do. I then start feeling guilty right after those thoughts, guilty for thinking like that, guilty for being jealous.

Along the way, I start losing myself. Trying to be like them, trying to catch up with them, trying to act more like them, trying to be like them. I want myself back, and to stop what I've been doing.

I need books. Chocolates. Retail therapy.

The auntie at 7-11 asked me if I was stressed out or feeling sad, because I went there for three consequitive days, and bought lots of chocolates. I did not go there again today though, because even though I guess it is really right when people say chocolates cheer you up, but only to an extend. I guess I've long reached the limit already.

Just cross your fingers and hope that I can brave through these.

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Well well. Congrats to me, I'm finally able to blog about something like that and let it go.

Goodbye.